Sleepy Beautiful Monday

Your Mama Didn't Used to do That

So. I sometimes find that I don't know where my thoughts or opinions come from anymore. At the risk of sounding cliche, my brain is suddenly hardwired a little differently than it was before the birth of Miss D. Tthis is possibly due to the mild decrease in sleep since August or my ever advancing 30-ness or it is linked to the simple fact that I am now a mama. But I want one thing to be clear: I recognize the change because many of these thoughts/ actions/ beliefs/ behaviors didn't used to exist.

To my daughter:
Ahem. For the record...

Your mama didn't used to listen to jazz. In fact, it made me a little nervy to listen to jazz for long periods of time. Long saxophone solos made me angry. But suddenly, everything else on the radio is noise (am I 100 years old??) and the only radio programs I can tolerate are Saturday morning NPR, Alister Begg sermons on Moody Radio, and WDCB Jazz. Let me just say how profoundly refreshing their Christmas music was this past December. Again, though, am I one hundred years old?

Your mama didn't used to have nightmares about missing pacifiers. Or sleep with pacifiers. Or have feelings of panic when pacifiers could not be found in the bed when they were truly needed. And that time that your dad rolled over on the squeeky teething toy and it let out a loud chirp sometime between midnight and three a.m. waking us all up- that didn't used to happen either.

Your mama didn't ever think we would co-sleep. Kick you into the next room so that I could get my most coveted sleep- that was for sure the plan before you even existed. Your dad sometimes still ponders at how this cozy-sometimes-often-not-restful arrangement occurred but then we need not look two feet from the bed to recognize that we are still in the smack middle of construction. Plus there are very few moments more tender than last week when you fell asleep between us (one hand on Ben's back and nose nestled on my shoulder) while we listened to an oldtime radio show in the dark.

Your mama never would have dreamed in a million years that maybe, just MAYBE, she would even remotely CONSIDER homeschooling. Whoah. I can barely believe those words are in the universe. Too much to handle... Moving on. Nevermind all the home education books checked out from the library right now.

Your mama never used to be a baby person. But now I cry when I see a tiny new born babe as happed last week when I met Liz's newborn Adrian. And I flock to see the baby crying in the gym at work because I miss you and I need to see a little face like yours. I actually love the sound of a baby's cry in the grocery store and it makes me miss you.

So there you have it, Miss D. Your mama didn't always used to be this way.  So weird. Oh. Your mama has always been weird though. Some things do not change.